


I Don't Know What I'm Supposed To Do (Haunted By The Ghost Of You)

by thecoloursinthegravel



Series: It's Like The Sirens [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:23:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoloursinthegravel/pseuds/thecoloursinthegravel
Summary: “Michael.”“Ashton.” Michael said back in a way that meant Go on. Say it.“I love you.”Tears brimmed in Michael’s eyes. “Just not enough, right?”





	I Don't Know What I'm Supposed To Do (Haunted By The Ghost Of You)

“I hope one day someone will look at me the way you look at him.”

“Mike…”

“Oh no, please, _please_ don’t do that Ashton, I couldn’t take it if you did that.”

Ashton’s eyes were sad, full of pity and, maybe, regret? Michael thought he was imagining it. He was always too hopeful.

“Michael.”

“Ashton.” Michael said back in a way that meant _Go on. Say it._

“I love you.”

Tears brimmed in Michael’s eyes. “Just not enough, right?”

Ashton opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it soon after. The crinkle between his brows and the worried look on his face made Michael wish he could look away. He didn’t want Ashton’s pity. He wanted him.

“So that’s really it, then? You’re marrying him.”

“Yes.”

The tears threatening to spill from Michael’s eyes finally made their escape, running down his cheeks as he held back silent sobs. “Can I ask one thing?”

Ashton nodded.

“Why him?”

“Because I love him. And he loves me.”

“I love you!” Michael begged as he took a step closer to Ashton. A final plea for Ashton to choose him, choose him, _choose me, please_.

“I know you do,” he said softly as he closed the distance, noses almost touching. “But just because we were-“ he stilled for a moment, “-are in love,” Ashton brought his palm to Michael’s left cheek. Michael leant into the touch like it was the closest thing to home he’d ever get. “Doesn’t mean it’s right.”

“What? What is that even supposed to mean?” Tears were running freely down Michael’s face, his hands shook and he could feel a clenching in his stomach. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t understand and he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

“It means that we weren’t right for each other,” Michael let out a harsh sob, “we weren’t healthy or good. We hurt each other, Michael.”

“But I love you.”

“Stop it, Mikey.”

“I love you so much Ashton, please.” He turned his head in Ashton’s hand and started kissing his palm, slowly trailing down to his wrist before Ashton pulled away.

“That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m happy. With Luke. I love him.”

“Stop.”

“I do, Michael. I love him,” his voice was rising now, his tone shifting to one of absolute certainty. He wanted Michael to listen. “I love him. And I’m going to marry him.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him because I’m in love with him, do you understand? We are over. We’re not together anymore. I’ve moved on Mikey, you need to move on.”

“Be quiet. Be quiet. Just shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! JUST STOP TALKING!” Michael’s hands were fisted in his hair, his eyes were red rimmed and he had puffy cheeks stained with tears. Ashton just stood and waited. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want you to say that. I don’t want you to have moved on, or, or, to have left me in the first place. I don’t want to hear about how fucking in love you are with Luke. I want you to be with me. I want you to fucking marry _me_. Fucking marry me Ashton. Right now. We- we could run away together, or, I don’t know, find someone to do it here, I don’t know, I don’t care, I don’t fucking care. I just want you Ashton, I want you, I want you, I want you, I need you. Please! I need you.” Michael was on the floor now, clutching onto Ashton’s waist, sobbing into his shirt and begging for all he was worth in the world.

A single tear fell from Ashton’s eye as he looked down at the man clinging to him like he was his only lifeline. “Mikey,” his voice barely above a whisper, “Mikey look at me.”

And he did.

“I will always love you. And I really wish that wasn’t true. Because it hurts, so, _so_ bad doing this to you. I know years from now I’m still going to think about you. No matter how happy I am. I know it, Mikey, I just know it. But the fact that it’s painful to let go doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. Because, trust me, if we were still together, you can’t even comprehend the damage we’d be doing to ourselves. Think about it, Mikey. We weren’t good for each other. Or _safe_ even. What kind of a relationship is that? Where you don’t feel safe?”

“A real one.” Michael choked into Ashton’s stomach.

“A bad one. A really, really fucking bad one. I don’t like who I am when I’m with you. And I know you felt the same.”

“But-“

“No buts, Michael. It’s true. We are awful when we’re in love with each other. We loved in such an ugly way and I can’t live like that anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore, Mikey. I know, deep down, you couldn’t either.”

“I love you.” Michael murmured against Ashton’s shirt, hands still balled into the material either side of his head.

“And you’ll love someone else. Even more. Even better. And that love isn’t gonna hurt like ours. That love is gonna be right.”

“No. No, no one else is right Ashton, no one, no one but you.”

“ _Please_ ,” Ashton practically sobbed, desperate for Michael to understand. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep feeling like I’m cheating on Luke every time I see you.”

“Maybe you should.” Michael pulled his head away from Ashton and looked up at him, eyes wide.

“Mike-“ a warning.

“Seriously Ashton, if I can’t be with you for real, maybe I can still have you in some way. Be yours in some way. I still wanna make you feel good, baby.” He started unbuttoning Ashton’s jeans, desperately reaching for the zip before Ashton grabbed his wrists and pulled them away forcefully.

“Michael, stop it.” His voice was angry now, too serious to ignore but _god_ Michael wanted to.

He wasn’t thinking straight. He just needed to mean something to Ashton again. Craved it. So he tried to push his head forward, desperately nuzzling into Ashton before being shoved backwards, bum meeting the ground.

He scrambled to his knees again, trying for the zip one more time, “I want you so bad Ashton, and I know you want me too. Don’t lie Ashton, don’t lie. I bet _Luke_ never gets on his knees for you, I bet Luke can’t make you feel the way I do,” his hands grabbed at the waistline of Ashton’s jeans, pulling down before being met with strong hands grasping around his own.

“Stop.” And that was it. Michael knew he meant it. And his heart fucking shattered.

Ashton sunk down to kneel with Michael, still clutching his hands in a steady grip. He looked him in the eyes and Michael could see the harshness was gone again. Michael could see his reflection in the way Ashton was looking at him. Michael could see he was an absolute mess.

“You have to stop.” Ashton pleaded, corners of his mouth turned down, a delicate pain etching his features.

“How? How can I make it go away? I don’t want to love you anymore Ashton. Why do I love you so bad? Why can’t I stop?” He sobbed as his head dropped to his hands, still tightly entwined in Ashton’s grasp. Ashton rested his forehead against Michael’s as Michael brought his head up ever so slightly. And in the smallest voice, he asked “Why couldn’t it have been me?”

“You know why, Mikey. You know.”

Michael just clamped his eyes shut and tried to breathe through the urge to cry again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Just not enough, right?”

“Just not enough, Mikey.”

And they sat like that, heads pressed together, hands bound to one another, until nothing felt real. And it was time to go home.

Michael didn’t really know where that was anymore.

His home was marrying someone else. His home loved him. But his home loved someone else more.

Michael didn’t know who he was anymore. He thinks he gave every piece of himself to Ashton.

He thinks he gave Ashton everything.

Just not enough, right?

 

He was never enough.

 

 

 

                  

**Author's Note:**

> Title: The Night We Met by Lord Huron
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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